Slowly creeping up

What do I mean by that? Well, I was keeping my caloric intake at a very strict 300-400, but I see it steadily increasing DAILY!!! As I pinch the sides of my ribs and legs to prove to myself that I have no room for indulgence I think about all the mouth watering things to stuff my face with. It is a shameful thing to want the things you can't have, knowing that you can deny yourself but then you start giving yourself that ugly little word..."flexability". You think "well...maybe if I just exersice a little more today...or I can restrict a little more tomorrow". Its not supposed to work that way, I'm supposed to be able to turn away NO MATTER WHAT. Its a frustrating thing for me, I can't bring myself step on the scale sometimes, but I did today and I was so suprised. I'm actually the same weight, I know it takes the body a bit to catch up with all the changes, so we shall see come next week what the report it. I had my egg whites this morning with a little green tea, I have not been fighting the urge to snack on those little wheat crackers through the day, which I can beat myself up for all day long because I'm not even hungry...that makes it so much worse. I like the feeling of hunger...I really do, after a while you don't even feel it anymore. The first couple of days for me were so bad I felt like I could chew my own arm off. I am in a very bad way today, not feeling good about myself. Someone please give me some words of advice QUICK = )

Siiiigh!

OK! So its seems like I didn't have enough will power to stay away from certain foods the past couple of days, but I am still on track with my weight loss. I have to pre portion my "meals" and make sure I stay within the food plan I have set out for myself. My boss is on vacation so I feel free to write whatever I want without the fear of her looking over my darn shoulder. I can't stand nosey people...MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. She has no life of her own, old crow... so she feels like she can live vicariously through someone else...NOT ME SISTER, keep it movin! I like the fact that I have this secret that I only know about and can share with those who I feel won't judge me for selfish reasons. Just because they don't have what it takes. I have enough strength in me to have some type of control. I am trying to get myself to a place where I don't have to even think about it. If I can't see the calories, its not going in = ).

Breakfast

2 hard boiled egg whites
1 glass of water (with my cinnamon capsules)

Lunch

Salad with egg white
10-15 grapes
1 glass of water

Dinner (if I have any)

Salad w/out egg white
Corn

Dessert (if I have any)

A few chips or a cookie

This is what I am trying to get away from, the dessert just defeats the whole purpose of what I am trying to achieve. So I am going to try my hardest to stay away from it, I have been able to before, its just hard is all. I try to drink water throughout the day to keep myself hydrated so I don't feel half dead. The cinnamon REALLY helps with my hunger pangs, I don't even feel them, and I still have energy. Plus it helps me metabolise the sugar in the food that I do eat instead of me feeling drained all the time = ). I LOVE CINNAMON!!! The only thing better than not eating is not feeling the ache of not eating. I just have to remember what one of my Ana sisters told me "NOTHING tastes as good as skinny feels" I have to keep that in mind at all times and never forget it. I can't wait to get to a point where I am so thin that I am at a size 0 or 00. I want to be able to shop anywhere and not even worry about how it would look on me = ). I have always had a "problem" with my weight growing up and I was just so darn sick of it. I see this as something that I can truly call my own and not share with anyone. Its not like, my money, time, or anything else that requires my to take time away from me. This is something that is just for me alone and nobody has to know. Its a goal that only I know when its going to be satisfied. Sorry for ramblin' but I'm passionate about this because its been a burning obsession for me for so long, I just never knew what to do about it until a few months ago. I love to cook for my family and watch them eat all the calories that I am NOT eating because I feel like I have more control. Its hard to explain, like they are so primitive and have no will to say NO I don't have to have that just because its there or because I'm hungry. This thing is almost like a competition with so many parts of myself and the stronger part of me is like "Comon...you can do it...you're stronger than they are" and I feel like giving myself a high 5 or something..which is really lame LOL but at the same time I love to give myself encouragement. I'll keep you posted friends!

Indulgence

Ok! So I had a little Easter dinner but THAT WAS IT! Made sure that I stayed within the 300-400 calorie range. It was a little tough with all the goodies that church had for the kids and adults. I had to make dinner so FOOD was right in my face the whole time, I knew I should have made my mother in law cook, then I would have easily been able to resist the temptation. For the sake of being festive, I did take part in the consumption of roasted chicken, rice and some veggies. I don't  have the strength to make myself vomit...kudos to those who have it in them. There was a time in my life when I would find my favorite most comfortable toothbrush with the smoothest end and have a go at it, and for the most part, it was ok...I just had to get past that intial feeling of sticking it down my throat. The first few times is the worst, cause if you have not had anything to eat in a while, your stomach tries so hard not to give it up. So frustrating!!! So if I HAVE to have something I'll usually eat something that is easy to bring up like ice cream. I have to try to exercise today no matter what...keep your fingers crossed, hopefully I can include a few crunches. I'm going to try to stay under 150 calories today. OH...I did weigh myself and I lost another 3 pounds, so that makes 11 so far = ). Thanks for all the support guys

Well wish to everyone!

Just wanted to wish everyone a very happy and blessed Easter! = )

Philips

Okay so tonight I have to down a few mouth fulls of Philips Lacative liquid so that I can clean myself out pretty good. Its the only one that doesn't give me that really bad feeling of having to go ALL THE TIME, doesn't give me cramps either. I make sure to drink a glass of water behind it not only cause it tastes gross (no matter what the flavor) but so I won't get dehydrated. My scrub pants are starting to get baggy but I still refuse to weigh myself until next week. I'm excited to see the number that shows up on the scale!

Normal feeling?

I don't know if this is something that is normal, but I love the feeling of being hungry, not really the feeling, but knowing that I have not eatten anything all day, or barely anything at all. Just so long as I can count the calories and its less than 400 I'm happy. I was finally able to go on a run/walk for an hr and it felt so good. The little bit of food that I ate that day didn't even matter, and that makes me feel wonderful. I felt on top of the world when I was running getting rid of all those calories. Is this noraml? I feel like I'm a little kookoo!

Those little wheat crackers....such a big problem

I had 2 boiled egg whites this morning and followed it with my cinnamon and my water. I was doing good up until about "lunch time" when I spotted some wheat crackers that my boss brings in. I think to myself...maybe just a couple, I look at the calorie info and its not really that much...nothing a 1/2 hr of running can't cure. The only thing is that they were so DEEE-LISH. Now I have to try to pretend they are a box of doughnuts so that I don't go NUTS...with my mouth watering with images of me enjoying each crunchy bite. That way if I think of them as something I would never eat I can stay away. The hard thing is knowing that they are very low in calories...but enough of them add up and my thighs won't thank me when I'm done = (. I found myself singing a little tune when I was eating them too...which is NOT a good sign. Keeps your fingers crossed!!!

Ugh!

One of the ladies here up at the desk noticed that I was not eating lunch and said "is this your new plan...that you don't eat lunch?" I was like DARN...now I have to fake like I am eating lunch or something. Its so frustrating, why can't people mind their own business. I don't want anyone monitoring my eating habits, what are they going to do, shove a sandwhich down my throat? Now I'm going to make sure that I let her see me with a little something at lunch so she can leave me alone.

Getting easier

Ok! So all I had for yesterday was a orange fruit cup and lemon tea! I felt pretty good, just a little tired. I was glad that I was not home for most of the morning and afternoon, was at church and had a good excuse not to eat all day plus its the 2nd to last day of Lent. I figured if I don't eat next to anything it'll kick off the week pretty good. I didn't weigh myself because I didn't want to get discouraged, no matter how much I lost of didn't lose. I think that the more flavored water I drink, the more I can trick my body into thinking that I'm actually eating something. Its getting easier to not eat an still be able to function, I used to be a basketcase, thinking about food ALL DAY LONG, but now its just a passing thought, without any retention. I still have to incorporate exercise into this thing, but its a little tough to get motivated lol. I'll get there though...I am starting to really notice my weight loss now, my whole body is starting to morph if you will. The cinnamon works wonders....too with my appetite and sugar intake...I'll keep you guys posted.