Slowly creeping up

What do I mean by that? Well, I was keeping my caloric intake at a very strict 300-400, but I see it steadily increasing DAILY!!! As I pinch the sides of my ribs and legs to prove to myself that I have no room for indulgence I think about all the mouth watering things to stuff my face with. It is a shameful thing to want the things you can't have, knowing that you can deny yourself but then you start giving yourself that ugly little word..."flexability". You think "well...maybe if I just exersice a little more today...or I can restrict a little more tomorrow". Its not supposed to work that way, I'm supposed to be able to turn away NO MATTER WHAT. Its a frustrating thing for me, I can't bring myself step on the scale sometimes, but I did today and I was so suprised. I'm actually the same weight, I know it takes the body a bit to catch up with all the changes, so we shall see come next week what the report it. I had my egg whites this morning with a little green tea, I have not been fighting the urge to snack on those little wheat crackers through the day, which I can beat myself up for all day long because I'm not even hungry...that makes it so much worse. I like the feeling of hunger...I really do, after a while you don't even feel it anymore. The first couple of days for me were so bad I felt like I could chew my own arm off. I am in a very bad way today, not feeling good about myself. Someone please give me some words of advice QUICK = )

Siiiigh!

OK! So its seems like I didn't have enough will power to stay away from certain foods the past couple of days, but I am still on track with my weight loss. I have to pre portion my "meals" and make sure I stay within the food plan I have set out for myself. My boss is on vacation so I feel free to write whatever I want without the fear of her looking over my darn shoulder. I can't stand nosey people...MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. She has no life of her own, old crow... so she feels like she can live vicariously through someone else...NOT ME SISTER, keep it movin! I like the fact that I have this secret that I only know about and can share with those who I feel won't judge me for selfish reasons. Just because they don't have what it takes. I have enough strength in me to have some type of control. I am trying to get myself to a place where I don't have to even think about it. If I can't see the calories, its not going in = ).

Breakfast

2 hard boiled egg whites
1 glass of water (with my cinnamon capsules)

Lunch

Salad with egg white
10-15 grapes
1 glass of water

Dinner (if I have any)

Salad w/out egg white
Corn

Dessert (if I have any)

A few chips or a cookie

This is what I am trying to get away from, the dessert just defeats the whole purpose of what I am trying to achieve. So I am going to try my hardest to stay away from it, I have been able to before, its just hard is all. I try to drink water throughout the day to keep myself hydrated so I don't feel half dead. The cinnamon REALLY helps with my hunger pangs, I don't even feel them, and I still have energy. Plus it helps me metabolise the sugar in the food that I do eat instead of me feeling drained all the time = ). I LOVE CINNAMON!!! The only thing better than not eating is not feeling the ache of not eating. I just have to remember what one of my Ana sisters told me "NOTHING tastes as good as skinny feels" I have to keep that in mind at all times and never forget it. I can't wait to get to a point where I am so thin that I am at a size 0 or 00. I want to be able to shop anywhere and not even worry about how it would look on me = ). I have always had a "problem" with my weight growing up and I was just so darn sick of it. I see this as something that I can truly call my own and not share with anyone. Its not like, my money, time, or anything else that requires my to take time away from me. This is something that is just for me alone and nobody has to know. Its a goal that only I know when its going to be satisfied. Sorry for ramblin' but I'm passionate about this because its been a burning obsession for me for so long, I just never knew what to do about it until a few months ago. I love to cook for my family and watch them eat all the calories that I am NOT eating because I feel like I have more control. Its hard to explain, like they are so primitive and have no will to say NO I don't have to have that just because its there or because I'm hungry. This thing is almost like a competition with so many parts of myself and the stronger part of me is like "Comon...you can do it...you're stronger than they are" and I feel like giving myself a high 5 or something..which is really lame LOL but at the same time I love to give myself encouragement. I'll keep you posted friends!

Indulgence

Ok! So I had a little Easter dinner but THAT WAS IT! Made sure that I stayed within the 300-400 calorie range. It was a little tough with all the goodies that church had for the kids and adults. I had to make dinner so FOOD was right in my face the whole time, I knew I should have made my mother in law cook, then I would have easily been able to resist the temptation. For the sake of being festive, I did take part in the consumption of roasted chicken, rice and some veggies. I don't  have the strength to make myself vomit...kudos to those who have it in them. There was a time in my life when I would find my favorite most comfortable toothbrush with the smoothest end and have a go at it, and for the most part, it was ok...I just had to get past that intial feeling of sticking it down my throat. The first few times is the worst, cause if you have not had anything to eat in a while, your stomach tries so hard not to give it up. So frustrating!!! So if I HAVE to have something I'll usually eat something that is easy to bring up like ice cream. I have to try to exercise today no matter what...keep your fingers crossed, hopefully I can include a few crunches. I'm going to try to stay under 150 calories today. OH...I did weigh myself and I lost another 3 pounds, so that makes 11 so far = ). Thanks for all the support guys

Well wish to everyone!

Just wanted to wish everyone a very happy and blessed Easter! = )

Philips

Okay so tonight I have to down a few mouth fulls of Philips Lacative liquid so that I can clean myself out pretty good. Its the only one that doesn't give me that really bad feeling of having to go ALL THE TIME, doesn't give me cramps either. I make sure to drink a glass of water behind it not only cause it tastes gross (no matter what the flavor) but so I won't get dehydrated. My scrub pants are starting to get baggy but I still refuse to weigh myself until next week. I'm excited to see the number that shows up on the scale!

Normal feeling?

I don't know if this is something that is normal, but I love the feeling of being hungry, not really the feeling, but knowing that I have not eatten anything all day, or barely anything at all. Just so long as I can count the calories and its less than 400 I'm happy. I was finally able to go on a run/walk for an hr and it felt so good. The little bit of food that I ate that day didn't even matter, and that makes me feel wonderful. I felt on top of the world when I was running getting rid of all those calories. Is this noraml? I feel like I'm a little kookoo!

Those little wheat crackers....such a big problem

I had 2 boiled egg whites this morning and followed it with my cinnamon and my water. I was doing good up until about "lunch time" when I spotted some wheat crackers that my boss brings in. I think to myself...maybe just a couple, I look at the calorie info and its not really that much...nothing a 1/2 hr of running can't cure. The only thing is that they were so DEEE-LISH. Now I have to try to pretend they are a box of doughnuts so that I don't go NUTS...with my mouth watering with images of me enjoying each crunchy bite. That way if I think of them as something I would never eat I can stay away. The hard thing is knowing that they are very low in calories...but enough of them add up and my thighs won't thank me when I'm done = (. I found myself singing a little tune when I was eating them too...which is NOT a good sign. Keeps your fingers crossed!!!

Ugh!

One of the ladies here up at the desk noticed that I was not eating lunch and said "is this your new plan...that you don't eat lunch?" I was like DARN...now I have to fake like I am eating lunch or something. Its so frustrating, why can't people mind their own business. I don't want anyone monitoring my eating habits, what are they going to do, shove a sandwhich down my throat? Now I'm going to make sure that I let her see me with a little something at lunch so she can leave me alone.

Getting easier

Ok! So all I had for yesterday was a orange fruit cup and lemon tea! I felt pretty good, just a little tired. I was glad that I was not home for most of the morning and afternoon, was at church and had a good excuse not to eat all day plus its the 2nd to last day of Lent. I figured if I don't eat next to anything it'll kick off the week pretty good. I didn't weigh myself because I didn't want to get discouraged, no matter how much I lost of didn't lose. I think that the more flavored water I drink, the more I can trick my body into thinking that I'm actually eating something. Its getting easier to not eat an still be able to function, I used to be a basketcase, thinking about food ALL DAY LONG, but now its just a passing thought, without any retention. I still have to incorporate exercise into this thing, but its a little tough to get motivated lol. I'll get there though...I am starting to really notice my weight loss now, my whole body is starting to morph if you will. The cinnamon works wonders....too with my appetite and sugar intake...I'll keep you guys posted.

a little set back....but back on track

Honestly, this is the only thing that I can truely be good at and have 100% control over at the same time. I had a few days (more like a week....Ooops lol) where I off my strict plan, but I quickly got control back again. I have to try to incorporate some exercise into my daily routine. I have never felt so good about something in my life before. I never knew how many resources there were for people like me. The best part is that I can hide it, all anyone can say is..."you look great....what have you been doing". My husband is going to help me work out too. He does not know what I am doing, nor will he ever, because I'm not going to make it obvious; he doesn't pay attention to what I eat or when I eat anyway. Once I get down to where I want to be I will stop and maintain. I gained so much weight over the past year that all the clothes I have don't fit, but I am on my way to being able to fit into them again, and sooner or later I'll have to buy a whole new wardrobe which excites me even more. I'll wait until I'm at a size where I don't have to keep going back....I don't plan on getting fat again after I lose it all.
I've been restricting and I don't even feel hunger pangs anymore, just pure satisfaction. Just so long nothing is going in, the pounds MUST come off. I have a bit of info for you guys, I have done some research on cinnamon...for you sugar junkies, it helps to reduce blood sugar and cholestrol. It helps to curve those sugar cravings. I have been taking the capsels for about a week and it REALLY works. When I do eat something I usually have a tiny bit of juice or soda to go with it but I have not even been craving that which is AMAZING. Plus the supplement is really cheap too, so give it a shot. I have not been coming on here as much as I should to keep you up to speed but that'll change. Thanks for all your support. = ) 10 lbs down....soooooo many more to go.

YES!

Since my weight loss is coming along, I have been getting motivation from EVERYWHERE!!! My boss just asked me today if I was losing weight...that made me feel so wonderful, I didn't think that it was noticable but IT IS = ). I am so excited, I made a few booboos and ate a few things that I should not have, but now that I know that it is REALLY working, I am going full blast = )

Accomplishment!

I did it, I was able to go the whole day (and night) w/out a single morsel of food...so happy! I have lost 8 pounds so far. I know that it is mostly water weight but anything that reduces my numbers and size is good enough for me = ). I will keep you posted

Success!!!

I think today I am a little stronger. I took some advice from someone that I am chatting with and I am only eating my pre-portioned meal. I have been drinking water all day long and I have not had the urge to step outside of what I know I am allowed. Hopefully once I get home I will be able to keep the strength up and resist the urge to eat more than what I set aside for myself. I might even try to not eat what I set aside to see if I can do it. Then I will have no excuse from now on, because I will know what I am capable of. I think that I have found out what works for me as far as being able to function during the day until I can work up to not eating at all. I know that I am fine in the morning when I am work w/out anything to eat unitl lunch time and then I feel like I have to get something in. I have been able to push it until I get home at 5...and usually I don't have anything portioned out, which is a big mistake. Reason being, when I finally do eat something, then I get the urge to eat way more than I planned, then I feel like crap for the rest of the day = (. I will keep everyone updated.

-F

I totally failed at what I was trying to do today. I went home for lunch and had 2 tablespoons of corn and 2 egg whites. Not bad eh??? Well my whole point was to eat nothing for today...I wasn't even feeling hunger pangs and yet I still ate like a fatty. I'll do a Billy Blanks DVD tonight to make up for it!!!

Moment(s) of weakness!

I was doing soooo good yesterday, and then I allowed the smell of the fresh biscuits to get to me...and of course that lead to me having a side of rice and fish to go with it. I'm am so mad at myself, I am punishing myself today by eating nothing all day except for the glass of milk I had this morning. I feel sometimes like I have the will power of Gandhi and then other times I feel like I have none at all. I tried so hard to stay out of the kitchen yesterday and I was doing pretty good until I went down finally to do some laundry which just happens to be in the worst possible place. I had one meal that day, a salad with egg white, which made me feel a little normal, rather than an empty zombie. I have to work up to feeling normal with the completely empty feeling.
I can see myself getting thinner in my face, I can tell that Ana is helping me. My will power is getting a lot better though! At work people bring in all sorts of indulgences and I am not even interested....which is a really good sign. My husband does not suspect a thing, as far as he knows, I still eat all my meals. I told him that I was going on a diet, so he'll expect some weight loss, hopefully I can explain most of it away when I get to where I really want to be. I refuse to step on the scale until I notice a significant difference in the way my clothes fit; although I'm dying to know how much I lost.

New Wife Syndrome

I know that this is probably something that every woman has felt in her life early in her marriage. I feel like I don't have much control over my life and the decisions I make anymore. I almost feel like I'm a robot programmed to do and say anything on command. In no way am I suggesting that my husband controls me, but I feel like I don't have an opinion or can have an opposing opinion, so I end up just agreeing. The thin veneer that is left of a confident, independent woman wants to stands on firm ground and voices my argument but on another end, I just don't want to get into it. I had a fight with him about my working on Saturdays, he said that it takes away from "family time". To be honest, I would almost take that into consideration, if we did anything on Saturdays...all we do is sit around the house, then he decides to leave and do something when he feels like it. If I want to go somewhere or do anything, he is either coming with me, or I get grilled on where I am going. I do so much around the house without even a thank you or a finger to help. I hope this is not a taste of a few years down the road with an extra helping of grief. I have asked him to help around the house but I think he is one of those wonderful breeds of men who conveniently forget until all the work is done.
I have started a new diet, since I need to drop a few pounds, it is more of a control thing for me then anything since I have it nowhere else in my life.

Not really the beginning but sort of in the middle of the beginning??!

I have never written a blog before, but it sounded like a good way to express myself without the risk of having my privacy invaded. At this moment I am at work at a dental office listening to some "easy listening" radio station. Its the same rotation of songs everyday which does not make it very easy to listen to...irony? I'm not sure what to really put on here except for how I am really feeling right now. I guess I would say that I feel content with the way things are right now. I have been married to my husband now for a little over 2 months. I love him very much and we have 2 twin girls, the are not biologically my children but I know that God sent them to me for a reason. I don't think that I am able to have children of my own due to PCOS (Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome), it prevents ovulation. I refuse to go on drugs because if the good Lord wanted me to conceive naturally, it would have happened already. I'm sure that is the reason why he put my husband in my path, that and several other reasons which I don't really have time to get into right now. I married my husband 6 months after we met which made me a pariah in my family for a little while, but they warmed up after everyone saw how serious I was. However, NOW...none of my family members aside from my dad actually calls me. It is very strange that when I was single and really not looking to settle down, nobody could stop talking to me and judging how I am wasting my life "guy hoping" my mother called it. I guess I could go into more details another time. Thanks for reading!